StudiosUSA Conference Room
Time: 10.00am PST
Place: Renaissance Pictures Offices, Studio City California
Subject: Creative Possibilities of Boosting the Ratings After the Slide into the Toilet Because of the Universally Panned 5th Season of Xena: Warrior Princess TV Series
Attendees: Rob Tapert [Executive Producer], RJ Stewart [Executive Producer], Missy Fan #1, Missy Fan #2, Missy Fan #3, Missy Fan #4, Missy Fan #5, Missy Fan #6, Joxer Fan, Subtext Fan, Hettext Fan, Disillusioned Fan, and GabFan.
Rob: We have arranged this meeting so that you fans can finally have input into the show. And if we like one of your pitches, we'll buy it for next season. So what are your ideas?
Joxer Fan: I say we have Gabrielle marry Joxer. This way Xena can be with the baby a lot more.
Disillusioned Fan: No-fuckin'-way! Joxstrap's the one who killed this show!
JF: He did not!
DF: Did too!
JF: Did not!
GabFan: Did too! Besides, Gabrielle wouldn't touch Joxhead with a ten foot pole unless she was under a spell or had amnesia or something.
JF: Gabby just doesn't know what's good for her. Or would she rather get dragged halfway across Greece than be with an honourable warrior like Joxer?
GF: Oh yeah, some warrior. It's obvious he doesn't know a cooking utensil from a plate of armour. Besides if he loves her so much, how come he was wanking off in the bushes at the first group of teen Amazons he saw? Some husband. Does he wank off to Playwarrior too?
JF: He was just having fun, what's wrong with that?
Hettext Fan: Wait a minute, instead of Joxer and Gabby, why not Ares and Xena? Fifth season was great, I want to see more of that! This way Xena can ditch Gabby for good.
MF#1: Xe would never leave Bri! Never ever ever!
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
RJ and Rob look at each other. "Xe?" "Bri?"
HF: So you think [sarcastically] "Xe" and "Bri" will stay together forever? You know those relationships don't last.
Subtext Fan [female]: I beg your pardon. I've been with my wife for 19 years. They do last, longer than your parents I bet.
HF: Hey! My parents didn't divorce until I was 10.
SF: Exactly my point.
HF: But you guys don't have kids to worry about, a mortage, a job, college tuition---
SF: You were in college at 10?
Rob: Hold on people. Can we just get back to the show? Do you have any plot ideas? What would you like to see happen in the 6th season?
MF#1: I have an idea! How about if Xe and Bri are lazing by the river and Xe says "I love you, Bri" and Bri says "I love you, Xe".
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: That's a plot?
MF#1: Wait, I'm not finished!
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: Sounds stupid but go on.
JF: Hey Rob! Can she say that? I don't want to be called stupid just because I want to see Joxer and Gabrielle ride off into the sunset together.
DF: Well, if you think Joxstrap will end up with Gabrielle, you are stupid. Maybe you fell on your head one too many times.
JF [whines]: Rob! Tell her to shut up!
RJ: Come on, people, let's keep it civil.
Rob: Go on, MF#1, what's the rest of the plot?
MF#1: So what happens is they get on a boat and it's lit with lots of candles and stuff.
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
RJ: Wait a minute, don't you mean a raft? It is Ancient Greece.
MF#1: No, no, I mean a boat. It's more romantic.
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
RJ [sighs]: Okay we can work around that, what happens next?
MF#1: So Xe and Bri get on the boat---
SF: Don't you know their real names are _Xena_ and _Gabrielle_. What-the-fuck is this "Xe" and "Bri" shit?
MF#1: But it's so cute!
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: WHAT SHE SAID!!!
SF: But it's NOT their frickin' names!!!
MF#1: What's wrong with a cute nickname?
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
SF: It's just stoopid.
DF: That's not the only thing that's stupid.
Rob: Okay, back to the story. Please!
MF#1: So Xe--- I mean _Xena_ and _Gabrielle_ are on the boat and there's candles and stuff---
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: You said that already.
MF#1: ---Xe gives Bri a massage, not a full body massage like in Paradise Found but just on the shoulders. We don't want the 2-11 yr olds to get the wrong message, right Rob?
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
Rob: Well, I directed Paradise Found. I thought it was just fine.
MF#1: Oh, that's right! I forgot!!! Please forgive me. I didn't mean to insult you, that was a _great_ episode, the best episode EVER!!! I loved the massage, loved the rabbit teeth, loved everything about it.
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: Nice sucking up, puppies.
Rob: It's all right, you don't need to apologise. I know what you meant.
MF#1: I'm really sorry, I didn't mean any disrespect, it's just that a shoulder massage is so much more romantic than that full body thing.
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: Shut up already, will ya? He said it was all right.
SF: Since when is a shoulder massage better than a full body one? Unless they're sisters.
HF: Well, I'd rather they be sisters than this lovers crap. Everybody knows all they need is a good man. Like Ares!
DF: Oh and I guess screwing your father is real admirable.
HF [laughs]: What do you expect? It's Ancient Greece!
DF: There was homosexuality in Ancient Greece too, you know! But they can't show that, can they? Noooooo, can't "pervert" those 2-11 yr olds. But boinking your daughter is just fine and dandy.
HF: Just for your information, homosexuality in Ancient Greece was between little boys and men. And since when is Xena a man?
SF: You never heard of Sappho?
RJ: Are you guys finished? MF#1, continue.
MF#1: Thank you [smiles]. So they're walking in the woods and look at the pretty trees and hear birds singing and make a campfire and rescue a wolf and it turns into this big war between two evil warloads and Xe has to save the wolf from the evil warlords.
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: What happened to the boat?
MF#1: What boat?
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
SF: You said they were on a boat, it's Ancient Greece but never mind that.
MF#1: Oh, the boat! [shrugs] I guess they just parked it somewhere, I dunno know.
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: Wouldn't that start a fire with all those candles burning?
SF: Yeah, nice going. Xena and Gabrielle start a forest fire. Maybe they should rename the show, Xena: Warrior Pyromaniac!
SF & DF [laugh and exchange high fives]
MF#1: Xe is not a pyromaniac!!! Somebody puts it out!
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said!
DF: You know, Rob and RJ, there were a lot of things wrong with Season 5 but this was one of the major ones. No continuity, illogical charactisations, plot holes you could drive a chariot through and stories that made no sense whatsoever. If you take this ridiculous idea, you need to have your head examined.
SF: Yeah, and why aren't you hiring real writers for next season? I mean, _professional_ ones? Is there a writers' strike on or what?
Rob: Well, um, um, well, um, there's not really a writers' strike but you guys want to have some say and here's your big chance.
DF: Oh I get it now. You ran out of ideas and the rest of your buddies don't belong to the union. Or maybe you see big ratings behind all those mailing lists for that writer. Great guys. Just great.
Rob: So what's _your_ great idea, DF?
DF: I'd like a kiss or some acknowledgement that Xena and Gabrielle are more than business partners on a stupid mission. I'd like to see it clearly stated that they're lovers. Whoever heard of two soulmates not being lovers? Oh, I forgot, when it comes to Xena and Gabrielle, new definitions are made up every day. I'd like to see the show go back to revolving around Xena and Gabrielle, not Joxstrap or Ares or that dopey baby. Get rid of the baby and get back to the heart and soul of the show and that's Xena and Gabrielle together in the same scene at the same time talking to each other and doing things together. Not because they're on a mission but because they like being together. You've said before that you wanted to push the envelope. So start pushing.
SF: Yeah and it doesn't necessarily have to be a kiss. How about if they just wake up in the same bed at the same time. Or go to sleep together on the same bedroll and no Jerkster with his fat ass pointed in Gabrielle's face.
JF: Hey, that was a sweet moment. What are you talking about?
HF: Wait minute, Xena and Gabby can't come out as lovers. Rob has to think of his wife ruining her career. I know I wouldn't want my wife playing a lesbo.
SF: Lucy's an actress, you idiot! Besides, didn't Hillary Swank just win an Oscar?
GF: And don't forget Renee. She's a great actress too. I hope she doesn't ruin her career by playing opposite Ted Reami her whole life.
HF: Boys Don't Cry was not about a lesbian! She was a transexual.
DF: Yeah right. As if the public knows the difference.
Rob: Okay! okay! okay! Let's summarize. JF, you want Joxer and Gabby to get married. Sorry, we can't do that. Ted won't be on the show next year, so that's out. GF, you can rest easy.
JF [sobs]: Goodbye, warrior chums!
GF: Whoo hoo!!! No more Jerkster!
SF: Whoo hoo!!! He got a role in the Gift and Spiderman, Sam's movies right?
Rob: No, he's got some projects on his own.
DF: Yeah, right.
Rob: Xena and Ares are out too because the incest factor is significant. I know it's Ancient Greece but our audience is in the 21st Century. So forget it.
HF [sobs]: Bye Ares!
Rob: SF and DF. We will be moving Xena and Gabrielle closer to each other than what was portrayed last season but don't hold your breath on a kiss, the suits won't allow it. And we'll still be riding the fence on the subtext. But I think you'll be happy with what we do.
DF: Yeah right, we've heard that before. Our chains have been jerked so much we're choking to death!
SF [sobs]: Subtext is dead!
GF [sobs]: Xena still hates Gabrielle!
Rob: Missy Fan #1, Missy Fan #2, Missy Fan #3, Missy Fan #4, Missy Fan #5, Missy Fan #6, CONGRATULATIONS!!! We like your story pitch the best!!! It has all the elements of what would make a fantastic Xena episode!!!
MF#1: YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
MF#2, MF#3, MF#4, MF#5, MF#6: What she said.
DF: You mean Xena and Gabrielle are pod people, there's a threadbare plot, illogical convoluted plot twists, and a sterile romance. Oh that's great, just great. Looks like next year will be just as bad as this year. I'm outta here!
Rob: Thank you all for coming.
Rob slumps in his chair after the Xenafanaddicts leave. RJ takes in a deep breath.
RJ: Rob, you really think I can fix up that story like that? I mean, a boat on a river, saving a wolf?
Rob [laughs]: I know, but it's good publicity. The fans think they're contributing and besides doesn't that Messy person have like 10 mailing lists in her honour? When we hire her, her fanbase will be worth tapping into.
RJ: Uh, Rob it's Missy. And yeah, we do have to do something about the ratings.
Rob: The only thing is the WGA and the specs.
RJ: You don't think she'll be able to write a spec?
Rob: Not from what I've read.
RJ: Don't worry, we can work around that.