DISCLAIMER: Just so ya know, I have absolutely no connection with the show, Xena: Warrior Princess, and hence have no inside information. So needless to say, I don't really know who the father of Xena's child will be. This is based purely on speculation and reasonable (or unreasonable) deduction. So naturally, I may be totally wrong. ::G:: Hey, I can live with that.
Lucy and Renee are on-set of XWP in Lucy's trailer. Lucy holds an advance script in her hands, keeping the identity of the father of Xena's child a well guarded secret from Renee.
RENEE: So, Luce, who's the father?
LUCY: Of Xena's baby?
ROC: Of course, who else?
LL [deadpans]: Oh. I thought you meant Xena.
ROC: Har-de-har-de-har. That too, but that's another story.
LL: Guess!
ROC: Oh come on, Lucy, you know I hate guessing.
LL: Come on, guess.
ROC: You're really not going to tell me?
LL: Nope. Pretend you're a fan. Guess.
ROC: Okay, the rumour I heard was Rob plays a god who impregnates Xena.
LL: [heh heh] Been there, done that!
ROC: You mean that's not true?
LL: Nope. Kind of redundant, don't you think?
ROC: Hmmm, I gotta check my sources. Okay. Hercules.
LL: Over my dead body.
ROC: Lucy, we're already dead.
LL: Okay then, when Tartarus freezes over.
ROC: All right, I get it, no Herc. Okay, lemme think. Joxer!
LL: You want to stay dead, don't you?
ROC: Okay, okay bad choice. How about Krishna?
LL: Ren, we already have corybantic Hindus climbing all over our arses. Forget it.
ROC: Cory---what? Never mind. How about Marcus?
LL: You want to explain to the fans how two dead people can create a life?
ROC: Oh yeah, I forgot about that continuity thing.
LL: Well, it wouldn't be the first time on this show, but it's not him.
ROC: Come on, Luce, I give up.
LL: Think, Ren, think.
Renee is silent, thinking... thinking.... Lucy whistles the Warrior Princess theme.
ROC: I know! I know! Gabrielle's the father!!!
LL: Renee!!! You want to piss off the anti-subtexters and see our ratings slide further down the 'loo?
ROC: Well, they only make up a small percentage of the fan base, right?
LL: Miniscule, the way I understand it, but we still have to walk that jocoseous fine line.
ROC: [confused, knits her brow] Yeah, that's true. Okay, what about Ares then?
LL: No, no. Then he'd be the father and the grandfather at the same time.
ROC: A-ha! So he is Xena's father!
LL: [shrugs] I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.
ROC: Okay, so Ares is out. What about Dahak?
LL: [shakes her head] No. Besides, you did that already. The Good Mother and Evil God progenitorates Evil Child.
ROC: She was not born evil! She was made evil!
LL: Oh and I guess killing a soldier at age two constitutes goodness and light.
ROC: Weeeell, there's was that, but that one little minor incident doesn't make her evil. She could have reformed just like Xena.
LL: You've got to stop listening to those Gab-fans, Ren.
ROC: [giggles] Oh, sorry. Okay, where were we? Oh yeah. Dahak. Let me see. Dahak. [she starts ticking off names on her fingers] Iolaus. Mi---
LL: Warmer.
ROC: [gasps] Michael?
LL: Not quite.
ROC: Oh yeah, because then you'd have the son of a christian god and it'd be like you were the Virgin Mary or something.
LL: Virgin? Xena? I don't think so. [facetiously] But who said it was a boy?
ROC: You mean it's a girl?
LL: No, but I didn't say it was a boy either.
ROC: All right, Luce, stop fucking with me. Who's the damn father?!
LL: It starts with a "B"....
ROC: Borias!?!! But's he's dead!
LL: Not when he bonked me under that rug, he wasn't.
ROC: You mean Solan gets his life back?!
LL: Yep! He made a deal with Michael. Besides, somebody's gotta carry on Xena's name. And remember we said Mel was Xena's descendant. We've got to pay attention to continuity at least once in a while.
ROC: [laughs] Ya think? So what about this Michael dude? Aren't the Christians going to be all over us for helping a couple of lesbians have a baby even if he is a grown kid.
LL: Who said Xena and Gabrielle were lesbians? As far as I can tell it's a love story between two people and they're just living on the road together with no man in sight. Well, not lately anyway. They just happen to share everything together - bedrolls, tears, toothbrushes, britches, dinars, kids, even crosses - and they like to suck face every once in a while. But other than that, hey, they're not lesbians.
ROC: Yeah, and I'm not from Texas either.
LL [deadpans]: You're not?
ROC: [giggles] But what about the Greek gods? Wouldn't it be better if Athena or Artemis did the deed? Actually, Athena would be perfect because she's the Goddess of War.
LL: In decline, in decline, in decline.
ROC: Lucy, this is too weird. Isn't the show about the time of the Ancient Greek gods not Christian gods or Hindu gods or whatever god of the week. I don't get it.
LL: I don't either. [shrugs] I just work here.
ROC: Aw, come on, Luce, you mean to tell me you don't you give Rob any suggestions?
LL: Sure, I do. But when he gets a vermicular idea in his head....
ROC: [laughs] Yeah, tell me about it. [mumbles] I think.
LL: Like Gabrielle and Joxer getting together.
ROC: [rolling her eyes] Yeah, right. Keep me dead then.
They sit and ponder for a moment.
ROC: So Luce. I thought you told me not to believe everything I read. You said the pregnancy rumours were just rumours.
LL: Hey, I planted that stuff!
ROC: [slaps Lucy on the arm] You are seriously disturbed, you know that, Luce?