DISCLAIMER: Obviously, this was written *before* Lucy really got pregnant, but I haven't quite figured out how they will write it into the show, so there ya go!
RENEE - Okay, Luce, who do think the father's going to be?
LUCY - What?
RENEE - The father. The father of Xena's baby.
LUCY - What are you going on about? Xena's not having a child. She already did that. Solan, remember?
RENEE - Then how are they going to work your pregnancy into show?
LUCY - My what?!?
RENEE - Your pregnancy. Let's see. It can't be a new guy because we'd have to kill him. You know, the red shirt thing. How about Marcus?
LUCY - Uh, Renee, one small problem, I'm not pregnant.
RENEE [laughs] - Yeah right!
LUCY - Well, I'm not. Where'd you hear that?!
RENEE - [laughing] - You're such a scream [pats Lucy's arm]! So you don't like the Marcus idea. I understand. The whole necrophilia idea.
LUCY - No, really, who told you I was pregnant?
RENEE [incredulous] - The internet! And besides, it's in all the papers. Where have you been?! They said to film it you were going to hide behind a bush, peek around a tree trunk or stand up to your neck in wat---
LUCY [exasperated] - I was kidding!
RENEE - Uh huh. It didn't sound it. Were you also kidding in [ticks off her fingers] Women's Weekly, the National Enquirer, Starweek, even some French magazine, "7 Jours", whatever that means.
LUCY - 7 Days. They're Canadian, Quebecois.
RENEE - Whatever. What about Borias?
LUCY - Been there, done that.
RENEE - What about Ares?
LUCY - Ewwwwww. That's so ignominious. Forget it.
RENEE - Huh? Oh yeah, I forgot about the whole Ares-is-Xena's-father-thing. What about Perdicus?
LUCY - Same as Marcus. Dead guy. Besides, he's your loser.
RENEE - Don't remind me. Ulysses?
LUCY - He's married and my loser.
RENEE - You already did Hercules, what about Young Hercules? Xena can go off on his show to explain your absence and---
LUCY - Forget it. Pedoephilia.
RENEE - He's not that young, that's how old Gabrielle was when she met Xena, right? I think he's kind of cute.
LUCY - Actually, she was younger, but let's just say Gabrielle cured Xena of her little involution.
RENEE - Her what? You think Gabrielle's too young for Xena?
LUCY - Was. Was too young. Have you watched those 1st season tapes? She looks about 12 years old, for heaven's sake!
RENEE - That's what they made me do, Luce. What about now?
LUCY - Well, I'm going to miss your long hair, but your new haircut makes her look more mature. An equal lover for Xena.
RENEE [smiling] - That's cool. So you like it then?
LUCY - Yeah, it suits you.
RENEE - Great!
LUCY - What about Joxer?
RENEE - Joxer?!??!!! Luce! Now that's what I call perversion!
LUCY [deadpans] - Why? He's of age.
RENEE - Lucy! It's Joxer?!
LUCY [excitedly] - No, no, not me getting pregnant, Joxer does!!!
RENEE - Joxer? Gets pregnant?
LUCY - Yeah, listen. Joxer gets pregnant and has to go off somewhere to have the kid. You know, the shame of it all, a single guy with child. It could take the whole season, you know. Maybe then we'd get to kiss.
RENEE - And just who would do the impregnating? Xena?
LUCY [laughs] - No, no. Don't be silly.
RENEE [confused] - Meg?
LUCY - No, listen, Joxer gets inseminated by a god.
RENEE - Dahok?
LUCY - Been there, done that. Hope, remember?
RENEE - Don't remind me.
LUCY - How about Ares?
RENEE - Ares and Joxer? Whoa, that could be rough.
LUCY - Yeah, I know. [laughing] Ted will love it.
RENEE - Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him? Then they can bring him back every once in a while.
LUCY - Are you kidding?! That means he'll be back every other week! You know how much Rob and R.J. love him. We'd never get to kiss.
RENEE - Oh yeah, I forgot. Sorry.
LUCY - So preggos it is!
RENEE [gives Lucy a high-five] - Cheers to a kiss!
LUCY - To a kiss!
RENEE - So you're really not pregnant?
LUCY - Nope. You know I would've told you. Besides, I'm going to wait until the show's over.
RENEE - Yeah, I was wondering how you were going to manage that. All that kicking and spinning and rolling around. Not good for a baby. But I figured, hey, you're the star, married to the boss...
LUCY - Ren, do me a favour.
RENEE - What's that?
LUCY - Don't believe everything you read.